Cut My Losses?

A reader writes;

Axon, I've been going out with this woman for a while. She's nice, we had some great evenings. Though it took only a few dates before I realized, she wasn't the "one". I like her company, but I don't think we're matched for eternity. I know she is looking for a relationship to eventually lead to marriage. Not long ago she told me she was "pulling back" to give us space. So I think she doesn't look at me as a long term prospect as well. I haven't called her for about a week now and she hasn't called me. Should I just drop it, or would it be better to talk it over some more with her that we're probably not a great match.

You say you know she is "looking for a relationship to lead to marriage"; are you? This is the X-factor.

From your comment about her not being "the one", I surmise that you are ultimately seeking a mate, presumably for life. Here's the problem; there is no "one" out there.

Men notoriously withhold commitment because they think they might be able to do better. Women famously seek commitment because they think he may be right. If you've signaled that you believe you want, deserve, and can finagle a better offer, no wonder she's giving you some "space"; you're being a dick.

There's no magic to a lasting relationship. There's no *ding* moment when everything just falls into place. It takes work, patience, and forebearance. If you're hoping to find the "one" that doesn't require this from you, you will be alone a long time.

Life isn't a romantic comedy. There isn't some someone "just for you", and you aren't someone else's dream come true. If you just aren't interested, then yes, let her get on with her life. It may be too late at this point, anyway.

But if you don't have any other options, and she's not seeing anyone else, why not continue to enjoy some nice evenings? If she's pressuring you to fish or cut bait, and you're not prepared to do so, move along. But if you enjoy each others' company, then getting to know her better is good practice. Strong relationships come from shared intimacy, vulnerability, and trust. Even if you don't end up as Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, you might get a friend whose judgment and character enrich your life.

And yes, it's always better to talk about it than to just "drop it". Not calling and hoping she'll just disappear is chickenshit. If you're determined to end it, strap on a set, make the call, and meet her for coffee to discuss it. You may find that she's not that into you, anyway, or that she's less interested in boating the prize catch than you think. In any event, it's the decent thing to do.

The old adage about life being a journey and not a destination may have some relevance here, as well. Finding the love of your life is not an objective, it's a surprise.

Talking To Women

A reader writes:

When I meet a woman I want to get to know more, I have trouble making conversation. I get very self-conscious, tend to stammer, and the things I think of to say sound really lame. I see some guys who are glib and self-assured, and it makes me feel even worse about myself, so I try to avoid situations where I have to talk to women. Help!

Signed, Tongue-tied

There really isn't that much to say, frankly. Those guys who seem to be so articulate and confident aren't exactly redacting the glory of rome or the mating habits of the tsetse. Mostly, they're listening, paying attention, and asking open-ended questions. When they do have the floor, they're telling stories, mostly with a self-deprecatory point.

You may see some other guys who are waxing wonderly about their powerful positions, fancy cars, skill at golf, etc. If you pay attention, you'll find that the woman on the other end of these monologues is stifling a yawn and glancing around the room for a more promising correspondent. These guys may actually get laid, but see my earlier comments about "More Trouble Than It's Worth".

Like tennis or dancing or cunnilingus, this sort of skill requires practice. Back when I was producing records, I advised acts that the second-most expensive thing you can do in the studio is rehearse (the most expensive thing you can do is argue). Same thing with cultivating relationships. You need to work out with a spotter.

I'll bet you don't have any problem carrying on a conversation with a woman who is not a romantic prospect. The potential for intimacy increases your anxiety, and suddenly you're trying to hit a major-league fastball with a whiffle ball bat, which only increases the anxiety. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Practice with women you are not interested in. In truth, showing interest where there is none is one of the signature competencies of civilized society. It may seem hypocritical or dishonest, but it is in fact a common courtesy. We are inevitably thrown into the company of people we really don't know, and we must needs converse out of politeness. Common courtesies are the lubricants when people rub together. These occasions are great opportunities for developing conversational chops.

The secret to being considered a raconteur is not, as the editor would propose, the simple declarative sentence. There may be no shorter distance between unfamiliarity and hostility than pronouncements of certainty. Indeed, I enliven cocktail parties in Berkeley by saying things like "Well, I believe Islam is a fundamentally wicked institution." It certainly provokes a lively discussion, but it doesn't make many friends in the process.

Assuming you aren't trying to create a mini world war, then, the essence of social stimulation is the open-ended question. Any question that can be answered in one or two words is not an open-ended question. Some are forced choice ("do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?"), or "yes/no" questions. "Are you enjoying London?" "Yes." (Or worse, "No.") You're not going to get much going with questions like that. Far better: "What difference is there between Coke and Pepsi, anyway?" Or "What did you see/do while in London?" Someone intent on reticence will find a way to avoid elaboration, which is your cue to seek out a more congenial interlocutor. But at least you gave them a fighting chance.

The question "How are you?" is at least theoretically open-ended, but it has become such a ritual pleasantry as to be meaningless as conversation. "Fine, and you?" is the standard response, and the ball is back in your court. You must always have this exchange, but it should not be construed as actual interest in how you are. Thus even if "fine" is not true, it is nevertheless the only acceptable response.

So many people identify with their work that the all-purpose ice-breaker "What do you do?" is usually a pretty safe starting point. That said, I remember more than once defending myself against outraged protests that a person is more than their profession, etc. These folks are rude, of course, but no less discomfiting.

My favorite open-ended question is related to that, but less volatile, particularly with those who are underemployed. "What are you working on?" does not presume that a person has a job so much as a purpose. And as such it really does invite your partner to elaborate on her most favorite subject, whatever that may be, but usually turns out to be herself. If you would know a woman better, you could not ask a more pertinent question. You're also off the hook for coming up with anything clever to say for at least 20 minutes or so. Indeed, the most penetrating inquiry you may have to make for hours may be "and then?"

First law of conversation; until she asks you a question, she is not interested in hearing anything from you. When she does, you must be very careful to understand the nature of the question. If she simply runs out of things to say, you can get her started again by taking her last statement and repurposing it as a question. She: "So after I graduated, I got a job with a temp agency." You: "I'll bet that was fascinating, trying different things, learning new tasks. How did you like that?" Etc.

When she really wants to know more about you, she'll ask a question. Many times it will not be an open-ended form, if she hasn't mastered these skills. But if she's asking, she wants you to take the ball. So it is on you to take the forced-choice question ("Are you here alone?") and answer the open-ended question implied ("Where's your date?") You: "Joe (the host) asked me if I wouldn't mind helping out with the drinks and appetizers. Back when we were in college, his idea of a sophisticated beverage was a Nyquil Dacquiri. I showed him how to make a proper martini, and ever since then he's counted on me to fill in as co-host. I'll freshen up your drink; what's your poison?" (Note: she still doesn't know if you're available. Make her ask again.)

More often, through, if she's interested in you, she'll know to ask a probing question (girls train to do this in middle school; they practice on each other). The thing you must listen for is whether she's asking for history or speculation. The latter may take an innocent form such as "describe your ideal mate" or "where do you see yourself in five years?" Danger, Will Robinson. Do not, under any circumstances or chemical impairment, attempt to answer this question as posed.

The second law of conversation; the only honest answer to a question about the future is "I don't know". Anything else constitutes opinion, and opinion is, like my observation about Mohammedanism, an invitation to an argument. Of course, the answer is not simply "I don't know", it's "I don't know, but...."

If she asks a question about the past, you're on safe ground, and the formula could not be simpler; narrative. If she is skilled at conversation, she's already told you a bunch of stories about herself. If you're still interested in her, those stories have been humorous, and the opposite of self-aggrandizing. If you're smitten, you may remember that her stories always ended up with her falling in the mud, catching the bouquet only to drop it in the punch, or losing the guy to her best friend. You may even recall sharing a laugh together. Ooh, she's good. So, too, can you be.

The classic narrative structure is well understood. It is similar to classic rhetorical structure, but inside out. When constructing a persuasive argument, the steps are (1) We point with pride, (2) We note with alarm, (3) We welcome the challenge, and (4) We need your help. Study the great speeches of successful statemen and you will see this formula rigidly adhered to.

But you are not trying to persuade; you are seeking to endear. When relating an anecdote, the steps are (1) A perplexing situation, (2) an act taken, (3) an outcome, and (4) a lesson learned. It is the same basic structure of a joke; the setup, the turnaround, the punch line, the laugh. If you would be an accomplished conversationalist, you should practice telling jokes. "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune", which was Shakespeare's way of saying "timing is everything in show business." You can practice jokes on anyone, but what you're doing is honing your timing.

Stories don't have to be about yourself. Indeed, the best stories rarely are. Telling tales on other people not in attendance offers the priceless opportunity to lie with great charm and affection. You also avoid the risk of revealing something about yourself that may not be as endearing as you thought. You can nevertheless convey your values, interests, and ideas while relating amusing anecdotes about your friends, family, and co-workers, while cultivating an impression of a quick witted bon vivant.

And it's economical; a good story should last no more than a few minutes. But it gives her a chance to regroup, get to know you better, perhaps even fall in love, before you lob the ball back over the net to her. The beauty of it is that you can have a decent inventory of amusing stories for all occasions, and still make it seem as if you only just thought of it, perhaps inspired by her incomparable beauty...

You don't have to "think of what to say"; you simply pull it out of the card file (and you've got time to select the ideal riff while she's going on about her sister's eczema) and leisurely unravel it as she sips her drink. Then it's all "back to you, Trixie" while you continue to impress her with your depth and intelligence simply by shutting the hell up and letting her talk.

And if the question was speculative, the answer becomes "I don't know. But that reminds me of a story...."

The third law of conversation; nothing makes you more attractive as a companion than your undivided attention....to someone else! Treat the women you aren't interested in sleeping with as though they were your only interest in the world, and others will take notice. Women don't want what you are offering; they want what other women have. Your rapt fascination with the lecture from the dowager, the empty drivel from the ingenue, the preschool and potty talk from the soccer mom, serves as catnip to the smart, funny, successful total babe who can't figure out why she hasn't ever met this fascinating man before. Unless she's on a leash, she'll find a way to be introduced. No pursuit on your part required.

All women want attention; it is like cocaine. A little makes her feel like a new woman, and the only thing the new woman needs is....some more attention. Use with care. A little dab'll do ya...

First Heartbreak

A reader writes:

My teenage son (sophomore in high school) is going through his first heartbreak. He's been "courting" this girl since junior high, and she's been a close friend. But last week she and another boy announced they were "going steady" and have become unseparable. My son is crushed. This other boy has never been part of their social scene, and she is thought to have pursued him, rather than the other way around.

So far as I know, my boy and this girl were never sexually active, and I suspect my son is still a virgin, although I doubt if the girl is. He's been a real gentleman, very attentive, and has given her some very thougthful gifts. He feels that she should have at least talked with him about her decision before going public with it. How do I help my son get over this?

What is he getting over? It doesn't sound like the relationship he actually had with her has ended. They're still good friends, presumably, so it's not as though he's mourning the loss of a relationship.

I think he's probably struggling with something else. The first is his personal standing with his peer group. Whether he had an intimate relationship with this girl, if his circle of friends saw them as a "couple", he now feels humiliated and publically rejected. He's probably also feeling somewhat betrayed that his "gentlemanly respect" (the absence of sexual initiative) was not honored. Both of these emotions, while lamentable, are nevertheless misguided.

Despite their long association and undoubted fondness for each other, he and this girl were probably never suited as romantic partners. For one thing, he's been supplying her with all the validation she could want in exchange for nothing but the appearance of a more steadfast commitment. The other boy, by contrast, was desirable precisely because his attention was directed elsewhere. At this age, girls are particularly needful of approval from their female peer group. Your son's continued attention was not validating, inasmuch as it has been constant since before her sexual desirability became a benchmark among her girlfriends. To prove herself sufficiently attractive to her peer group, she needed to land an "unattainable" boyfriend, with an explicitly romantic dimension to it.

And your son is going through similar pressure from his friends; the loss of the girl is a demerit to his virility. That said, he wasn't really fooling anyone, anyway, so its better he's now available to other girls who need to notch their own belts.

My advice to him is to become something of a social butterfly, date outside his regular crowd, and remain as indifferent to outcomes as someone overflowing with testosterone can be. Seriously, he should give his attention to girls he's not particularly interested in; other girls will take notice, and their instinct to capture the flag will assert itself. If he plays his cards right, and withholds the desired validation, he'll regain his stature among his peer group, and make that interloping other boy envious that he isn't free to play the field as adeptly as your son. His childhood girlfriend may also have a care as to how thoughtlessly she treated him, but he really shouldn't do anything to minimize that. He should always be friendly, happy to see her, etc., but otherwise too overcommitted to give her any of the validation she took for granted in years past. If nothing else, it will be good practice for the next object of his affection.

Congenial Companion Seeks Same

A reader writes:

I am a single, middle-aged straight guy with a steady job, a car, all of my teeth, no open sores, etc, but am having trouble finding any female who wants to take me on as a boyfriend.

Granted, I am overweight and have eclectic interests, but most of the women who I have dated through Match.com have similar traits. (After all, we are middle-aged)

It's not even the possibility of sex (with someone besides myself) that is the most important, I mostly want a companion and activity partner and am about to just give up.

Lately, I have been thinking about just putting the whole concept of dating on hold for awhile and instead concentrating on my hobbies.

My question to you is: is this somewhat common or tragically aberrant?

signed,

Would rather hang around with my buddies than chase skirts.

First off, this not merely "somewhat" common; it is as common as an AARP membership letter. One of the challenges of being a baby boomer is that so many others are, as well. And none of us are getting any younger.

One important dynamic at work here is that women our age, however they may happen to be single, are substantially self-reliant. Whether they got traded in on a newer model, were widowed early, or were themselves serially monogamous, middle-aged single women have learned to take care of themselves.

And they like it that way.

They've reared and launched their kids; they don't need to adopt, and the prospect of taking on a romantic partner at this stage of their lives is about as attractive as fostering a crack baby. Let's face it, fellas, we're fairly high maintenance. Especially if we enjoyed that fabled era called "the sixties", we're saddled with some baggage; physical, emotional, mental, what have you.

In your case, you say you're "overweight". This is not an insignificant obstacle. 25% of all deaths, net of accidents and homicides and all other causes, are Sudden Cardiac Arrest. There's a reason it's called "sudden"; no one expects it to happen to them. 15% of all deaths are due to diabetes and complications thereof. Obesity, even borderline normative middle-aged white guy obesity, portends tragedy.

The women in your cohort may well be suffering from similar issues, but statistically they are going to outlive us, anyway. So, at the outset, your condition represents nothing so much as time spent planning a funeral.

But that's still a second-degree liability, and not a deal-killer. Put it this way, you're in good company.

You write; "It's not even...sex...that is most important...I mostly want a companion." Strikes one and two, looking, right across the plate.

Women, especially in our age group, actually want sex. For a great many of them, that's frankly all they want from a relationship. They're willing to go along with the rest of the program; activities, socializing with your friends and family, planning your funeral, etc., but if there isn't going to be any sugar, well, there isn't going to be any tea, either. One thing you must communicate from the start is that sexual activity is important to you, that you expect a successful relationship to include a mutually satisfying sexual dimension. Otherwise, you're just an adult daycare project.

You've probably already found the solution, although you characterize it as "giving up". You write: "I have been thinking about just putting the whole concept of dating on hold for awhile and instead concentrating on my hobbies." Solid base hit.

Unless your hobbies are purely solitary pursuits (in which case, get some new hobbies, the kind that bring strangers together: Star Trek conventions, say, or Go-Kart racing, frisbee golf, Sierra Club hikes, etc.; note emphasis on physical activity), this is the most likely vector for you to meet potential partners with the highest probability of compatibility.

That effectively puts "the whole concept of dating" on the margins, and yet provides the perfect context for cultivating a relationship with someone who will be congenial company with no pressure. In my earlier disquisition on Indifference, I point out that the more you listen and less you talk, the more attractive you become. Letting some gal yammer on about her family and friends, how her daddy never gave her enough attention, and the various fancied slights she still nurses grudges over is like swallowing thistles; listening to an enthusiast share her passion for something you actually enjoy and know something about goes down like an oyster shooter.

You write; "Would rather hang around with my buddies..." Game-winning, bases-loaded home run. You just need to get some female buddies.

Foundation

The principal emotion I encounter when some fellow asks me for advice about relationships is confusion. They don't understand what happened (or what didn't happen).

Part of this is due to some common misguided assumptions about What Women Want. The conventional wisdom is that what women want is commitment, security, and someone with "a good sense of humor". This is the same conventional wisdom that claims men only want sex from a relationship. If you've read this far, you know this is not true. And yet you believe the first part, that women are primarily driven to tie down a meal ticket.

The variations are legion; "Men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love", e.g. Simple, succinct, intuitive, and wrong.

Women have sex because they enjoy it. They don't give it, they get it. The vast overwhelming majority of men aren't trying to get laid; they're trying to find a real heart-to-heart connection with someone. They may not realize it, and may never admit it, but solitude is what man fears most. And the smell of that fear is pure pussy repellent.

It's men who typically fall off the cliff at the earliest stages of a courtship. Scares the living hell out of the women when they do it, too. They thought they were having some laughs, scratching an itch, and maybe even getting a friend out of the deal. All of a sudden, the guy is talking about The Future and how many kids they're going to have. Don't act like I'm talking about someone else; you know it's true.

Honesty, respect, courtesy; these are the minimum daily requirement for any relationship with any person. Saying these are what women want is like saying oxygen, nourishment, and shelter are what people want. These are must-haves. If you aren't prepared to furnish these, you don't need my advice; you need therapy. And probably medication.

What women want is validation. They can't get this from themselves, no matter how many affirmation prayers they recite, no matter how many feel-good self-help books they read, no matter how much Oprah they watch. They can only get it from us.

Why can't they get it from their girlfriends? To a certain extent, their girlfriends are part of the equation. The validation only counts if it registers in their personal social ambit. If a man validates in the forest and there are no girlfriends around to witness it, does it count? No.

Allow me to share a hard truth with you, fellows. The most any of you are ever going to mean to the woman in your life is as a fashion accessory. You must look good on her arm (or she isn't going to wear you). I don't mean this in the strictly aesthetic sense; you don't have to be handsome, or rich, or powerful (although it never hurts). But you must be enviable. You have to be a better man than her best friend's husband or boyfriend.

And here's the problem most men have with attracting and keeping quality female companionship; they give the validation away, right at the start. They are solicitous, deferential, accomodating, flattering, and obedient. They pursue. The object of all this adoration enjoys the attention, of course, and may even throw the ardent swain an affectionate bone from time to time. But mostly she will simply extract as much of the validation as he is willing to fork over for free, smiling shyly and batting those baby blues, while looking over his shoulder at some other fellow.

And what is that other fellow? Indifferent. He's not offering to buy her a drink, he's not trying to dazzle her with some clever line, he isn't making any sort of play at all. No, mostly he's carrying on a pleasant conversation with another woman. More than likely, he's listening to the other woman, which is what passes for pleasant conversation these days. If he's smart, he's actively listening, and like a chess player, is already thinking a couple of moves ahead.

What is he listening for? The joke answer is "for about twenty minutes", but the truth is he's qualifying her. The assumption is that since she's female and breathing he wants to get into her pants. And if he's 19 (or emotionally the same), yeah, that may be true. But if he's had a couple of girlfriends in his life by now, he knows that casual sex with someone he doesn't know very well inevitably leads to More Trouble Than It's Worth. So he's trying to find out if she's going to be worth the trouble.

In truth, every woman's favorite subject is....herself! (That's true for men, too, as it happens, but immaterial.) The best way to learn about a woman is to ask her about herself. She'll happily supply you with plenty of information. If she runs out of things to say, you can get her started again by simply asking another question. It's astonishingly simple.

The whole time she's talking, he's becoming more and more attractive to her. First off, her last boyfriend (and yes, he's going to hear all about him) wouldn't listen to her at all. Secondly, as long has he's not saying anything, he's not doing anything wrong.

And by that I mean that he's not validating her. The fact that she's telling him her life story is evidence that she wants him to ask her out, which means the answer is already yes. Asking for her number is the validation she's seeking, which is why so often the number is bogus. She's collecting scalps. Keep your hair.

"Waitaminit, Axon," I hear you thinking, "that's pretty cold. Surely not all women are that scheming, conniving, game-players!" I'm not saying she's doing it on purpose, deliberately, and with malice aforethought. That's just the way she's wired. A woman can be intelligent, kind, sexy, thoughtful, generous and emotionally stable, but she's still reflexively seeking validation. It's a primal urge, and is critical to the survival of the species. And the sooner you understand that, the sooner you will find happiness with your special someone.

Advice For Men

Over the past few years, I have offered some of my fellows advice about relationships, particularly their romantic entanglements, but also their relationships with friends, family, business associates, etc.

To be absolutely fair, some have criticized my advice as being overly cynical, particularly in respect to women, their motivations, and the animating principles of relationships with them.

Nevertheless, I confess I love women, and one especially. But what they want, and how to achieve successful relationships with them, seems to be a mystery to many men. My humble aspiration is to illuminate some of these dynamics, and provide useful direction to my fellows.

I am not unwilling to advise women, although I do not consider myself especially qualified. It may be that women reading this blog will learn something useful about men and how they operate, but that's not my purpose here.

What makes me think I have anything to offer? Again, my experience in advising others has produced desirable results. My chief qualification? I'm a salesman, first and foremost, and I believe that personal relationships bear a striking similarity to commercial ones. I do not know whether commercial relationships mimic personal ones, or vice versa, but I find the underlying dynamics are remarkably well-aligned.

So send me your questions. If you are uncomfortable posting your question as a comment, feel free to email me directly at axon@axonometrix.com. Include "Ask Axon" in the subject line.