First off, this not merely "somewhat" common; it is as common as an AARP membership letter. One of the challenges of being a baby boomer is that so many others are, as well. And none of us are getting any younger.
I am a single, middle-aged straight guy with a steady job, a car, all of my teeth, no open sores, etc, but am having trouble finding any female who wants to take me on as a boyfriend.
Granted, I am overweight and have eclectic interests, but most of the women who I have dated through Match.com have similar traits. (After all, we are middle-aged)
It's not even the possibility of sex (with someone besides myself) that is the most important, I mostly want a companion and activity partner and am about to just give up.
Lately, I have been thinking about just putting the whole concept of dating on hold for awhile and instead concentrating on my hobbies.
My question to you is: is this somewhat common or tragically aberrant?
signed,
Would rather hang around with my buddies than chase skirts.
One important dynamic at work here is that women our age, however they may happen to be single, are substantially self-reliant. Whether they got traded in on a newer model, were widowed early, or were themselves serially monogamous, middle-aged single women have learned to take care of themselves.
And they like it that way.
They've reared and launched their kids; they don't need to adopt, and the prospect of taking on a romantic partner at this stage of their lives is about as attractive as fostering a crack baby. Let's face it, fellas, we're fairly high maintenance. Especially if we enjoyed that fabled era called "the sixties", we're saddled with some baggage; physical, emotional, mental, what have you.
In your case, you say you're "overweight". This is not an insignificant obstacle. 25% of all deaths, net of accidents and homicides and all other causes, are Sudden Cardiac Arrest. There's a reason it's called "sudden"; no one expects it to happen to them. 15% of all deaths are due to diabetes and complications thereof. Obesity, even borderline normative middle-aged white guy obesity, portends tragedy.
The women in your cohort may well be suffering from similar issues, but statistically they are going to outlive us, anyway. So, at the outset, your condition represents nothing so much as time spent planning a funeral.
But that's still a second-degree liability, and not a deal-killer. Put it this way, you're in good company.
You write; "It's not even...sex...that is most important...I mostly want a companion." Strikes one and two, looking, right across the plate.
Women, especially in our age group, actually want sex. For a great many of them, that's frankly all they want from a relationship. They're willing to go along with the rest of the program; activities, socializing with your friends and family, planning your funeral, etc., but if there isn't going to be any sugar, well, there isn't going to be any tea, either. One thing you must communicate from the start is that sexual activity is important to you, that you expect a successful relationship to include a mutually satisfying sexual dimension. Otherwise, you're just an adult daycare project.
You've probably already found the solution, although you characterize it as "giving up". You write: "I have been thinking about just putting the whole concept of dating on hold for awhile and instead concentrating on my hobbies." Solid base hit.
Unless your hobbies are purely solitary pursuits (in which case, get some new hobbies, the kind that bring strangers together: Star Trek conventions, say, or Go-Kart racing, frisbee golf, Sierra Club hikes, etc.; note emphasis on physical activity), this is the most likely vector for you to meet potential partners with the highest probability of compatibility.
That effectively puts "the whole concept of dating" on the margins, and yet provides the perfect context for cultivating a relationship with someone who will be congenial company with no pressure. In my earlier disquisition on Indifference, I point out that the more you listen and less you talk, the more attractive you become. Letting some gal yammer on about her family and friends, how her daddy never gave her enough attention, and the various fancied slights she still nurses grudges over is like swallowing thistles; listening to an enthusiast share her passion for something you actually enjoy and know something about goes down like an oyster shooter.
You write; "Would rather hang around with my buddies..." Game-winning, bases-loaded home run. You just need to get some female buddies.
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