Axon, I've been going out with this woman for a while. She's nice, we had some great evenings. Though it took only a few dates before I realized, she wasn't the "one". I like her company, but I don't think we're matched for eternity. I know she is looking for a relationship to eventually lead to marriage. Not long ago she told me she was "pulling back" to give us space. So I think she doesn't look at me as a long term prospect as well. I haven't called her for about a week now and she hasn't called me. Should I just drop it, or would it be better to talk it over some more with her that we're probably not a great match.
You say you know she is "looking for a relationship to lead to marriage"; are you? This is the X-factor.
From your comment about her not being "the one", I surmise that you are ultimately seeking a mate, presumably for life. Here's the problem; there is no "one" out there.
Men notoriously withhold commitment because they think they might be able to do better. Women famously seek commitment because they think he may be right. If you've signaled that you believe you want, deserve, and can finagle a better offer, no wonder she's giving you some "space"; you're being a dick.
There's no magic to a lasting relationship. There's no *ding* moment when everything just falls into place. It takes work, patience, and forebearance. If you're hoping to find the "one" that doesn't require this from you, you will be alone a long time.
Life isn't a romantic comedy. There isn't some someone "just for you", and you aren't someone else's dream come true. If you just aren't interested, then yes, let her get on with her life. It may be too late at this point, anyway.
But if you don't have any other options, and she's not seeing anyone else, why not continue to enjoy some nice evenings? If she's pressuring you to fish or cut bait, and you're not prepared to do so, move along. But if you enjoy each others' company, then getting to know her better is good practice. Strong relationships come from shared intimacy, vulnerability, and trust. Even if you don't end up as Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, you might get a friend whose judgment and character enrich your life.
And yes, it's always better to talk about it than to just "drop it". Not calling and hoping she'll just disappear is chickenshit. If you're determined to end it, strap on a set, make the call, and meet her for coffee to discuss it. You may find that she's not that into you, anyway, or that she's less interested in boating the prize catch than you think. In any event, it's the decent thing to do.
The old adage about life being a journey and not a destination may have some relevance here, as well. Finding the love of your life is not an objective, it's a surprise.
4 comments:
Axon, thanks, I take your point, and let me clarify a couple of my concerns. We hit it off when we met, right at the start. Though it didn't take more than a couple more dates for me to learn, that while she drove a fancy new German car, she was stretching to keeping up with the payments. I treated her to a couple really nice evenings, after which she didn't even say thank you. And when she decided to take me out to a show, the idea got shelved, when we looked at ticket prices online (together) and then she told me then she couldn't fit it in her budget. I started hearing a lot more about her budget after that. So the issue more for me is that she turns out to be someone different than she suggested to me initially.
Fundamentally, we're in two totally different places in life.
Had I seen the signs at the start, I wouldn't have gone out.
I don't know if she was dishonest, or simply naive. And Yes, I'll call her again. I could tell her all sorts of things, rather, I'd like to say something more compassionate to her.
Well that certainly clarifies things. You say: "I don't know if she was dishonest, or simply naive."
As the old saying goes, never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity. In this case, I expect she's suffering from the same denial as millions of other overextended Americans who got in over their heads.
It's not so much that she's "someone different than she suggested" but rather than she's someone different than she thinks she is.
People get in over their heads for any number of reasons. I'd cut her some slack on it, and put it on the table as an issue. This is where the relationship rubber meets the road; if she isn't willing to talk about credit addiction (or any other dependency), you probably should extricate yourself. You write: "Had I seen the signs at the start, I wouldn't have gone out."
If a frog's ass wasn't watertight... Seriously, it is of course sensible to be wary of entanglements that are an energy drain (conventional wisdom about never sleeping with someone who has more troubles that you applies here), but don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. We all have flaws; they're what make each diamond unique.
I should also add that her inability to say "thank you" is a major red flag. Again, I'd put it on the table and find out what's up, but yeah, points off for style.
Great advice, axon!
Although it didn't quite apply here, I love this little gem:
Men notoriously withhold commitment because they think they might be able to do better. Women famously seek commitment because they think he may be right. If you've signaled that you believe you want, deserve, and can finagle a better offer, no wonder she's giving you some "space"; you're being a dick.
Remembering that there is no "one"-- that in effect-- you can't do better--can be difficult when you have bumps in the road. It seems at that moment that nearly ANYONE would be better. But as you wisely point out, 'taint no such thing.
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