<h3>Talking To Women</h3>

A reader writes:

When I meet a woman I want to get to know more, I have trouble making conversation. I get very self-conscious, tend to stammer, and the things I think of to say sound really lame. I see some guys who are glib and self-assured, and it makes me feel even worse about myself, so I try to avoid situations where I have to talk to women. Help!

Signed, Tongue-tied

There really isn't that much to say, frankly. Those guys who seem to be so articulate and confident aren't exactly redacting the glory of rome or the mating habits of the tsetse. Mostly, they're listening, paying attention, and asking open-ended questions. When they do have the floor, they're telling stories, mostly with a self-deprecatory point.

You may see some other guys who are waxing wonderly about their powerful positions, fancy cars, skill at golf, etc. If you pay attention, you'll find that the woman on the other end of these monologues is stifling a yawn and glancing around the room for a more promising correspondent. These guys may actually get laid, but see my earlier comments about "More Trouble Than It's Worth".

Like tennis or dancing or cunnilingus, this sort of skill requires practice. Back when I was producing records, I advised acts that the second-most expensive thing you can do in the studio is rehearse (the most expensive thing you can do is argue). Same thing with cultivating relationships. You need to work out with a spotter.

I'll bet you don't have any problem carrying on a conversation with a woman who is not a romantic prospect. The potential for intimacy increases your anxiety, and suddenly you're trying to hit a major-league fastball with a whiffle ball bat, which only increases the anxiety. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Practice with women you are not interested in. In truth, showing interest where there is none is one of the signature competencies of civilized society. It may seem hypocritical or dishonest, but it is in fact a common courtesy. We are inevitably thrown into the company of people we really don't know, and we must needs converse out of politeness. Common courtesies are the lubricants when people rub together. These occasions are great opportunities for developing conversational chops.

The secret to being considered a raconteur is not, as the editor would propose, the simple declarative sentence. There may be no shorter distance between unfamiliarity and hostility than pronouncements of certainty. Indeed, I enliven cocktail parties in Berkeley by saying things like "Well, I believe Islam is a fundamentally wicked institution." It certainly provokes a lively discussion, but it doesn't make many friends in the process.

Assuming you aren't trying to create a mini world war, then, the essence of social stimulation is the open-ended question. Any question that can be answered in one or two words is not an open-ended question. Some are forced choice ("do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?"), or "yes/no" questions. "Are you enjoying London?" "Yes." (Or worse, "No.") You're not going to get much going with questions like that. Far better: "What difference is there between Coke and Pepsi, anyway?" Or "What did you see/do while in London?" Someone intent on reticence will find a way to avoid elaboration, which is your cue to seek out a more congenial interlocutor. But at least you gave them a fighting chance.

The question "How are you?" is at least theoretically open-ended, but it has become such a ritual pleasantry as to be meaningless as conversation. "Fine, and you?" is the standard response, and the ball is back in your court. You must always have this exchange, but it should not be construed as actual interest in how you are. Thus even if "fine" is not true, it is nevertheless the only acceptable response.

So many people identify with their work that the all-purpose ice-breaker "What do you do?" is usually a pretty safe starting point. That said, I remember more than once defending myself against outraged protests that a person is more than their profession, etc. These folks are rude, of course, but no less discomfiting.

My favorite open-ended question is related to that, but less volatile, particularly with those who are underemployed. "What are you working on?" does not presume that a person has a job so much as a purpose. And as such it really does invite your partner to elaborate on her most favorite subject, whatever that may be, but usually turns out to be herself. If you would know a woman better, you could not ask a more pertinent question. You're also off the hook for coming up with anything clever to say for at least 20 minutes or so. Indeed, the most penetrating inquiry you may have to make for hours may be "and then?"

First law of conversation; until she asks you a question, she is not interested in hearing anything from you. When she does, you must be very careful to understand the nature of the question. If she simply runs out of things to say, you can get her started again by taking her last statement and repurposing it as a question. She: "So after I graduated, I got a job with a temp agency." You: "I'll bet that was fascinating, trying different things, learning new tasks. How did you like that?" Etc.

When she really wants to know more about you, she'll ask a question. Many times it will not be an open-ended form, if she hasn't mastered these skills. But if she's asking, she wants you to take the ball. So it is on you to take the forced-choice question ("Are you here alone?") and answer the open-ended question implied ("Where's your date?") You: "Joe (the host) asked me if I wouldn't mind helping out with the drinks and appetizers. Back when we were in college, his idea of a sophisticated beverage was a Nyquil Dacquiri. I showed him how to make a proper martini, and ever since then he's counted on me to fill in as co-host. I'll freshen up your drink; what's your poison?" (Note: she still doesn't know if you're available. Make her ask again.)

More often, through, if she's interested in you, she'll know to ask a probing question (girls train to do this in middle school; they practice on each other). The thing you must listen for is whether she's asking for history or speculation. The latter may take an innocent form such as "describe your ideal mate" or "where do you see yourself in five years?" Danger, Will Robinson. Do not, under any circumstances or chemical impairment, attempt to answer this question as posed.

The second law of conversation; the only honest answer to a question about the future is "I don't know". Anything else constitutes opinion, and opinion is, like my observation about Mohammedanism, an invitation to an argument. Of course, the answer is not simply "I don't know", it's "I don't know, but...."

If she asks a question about the past, you're on safe ground, and the formula could not be simpler; narrative. If she is skilled at conversation, she's already told you a bunch of stories about herself. If you're still interested in her, those stories have been humorous, and the opposite of self-aggrandizing. If you're smitten, you may remember that her stories always ended up with her falling in the mud, catching the bouquet only to drop it in the punch, or losing the guy to her best friend. You may even recall sharing a laugh together. Ooh, she's good. So, too, can you be.

The classic narrative structure is well understood. It is similar to classic rhetorical structure, but inside out. When constructing a persuasive argument, the steps are (1) We point with pride, (2) We note with alarm, (3) We welcome the challenge, and (4) We need your help. Study the great speeches of successful statemen and you will see this formula rigidly adhered to.

But you are not trying to persuade; you are seeking to endear. When relating an anecdote, the steps are (1) A perplexing situation, (2) an act taken, (3) an outcome, and (4) a lesson learned. It is the same basic structure of a joke; the setup, the turnaround, the punch line, the laugh. If you would be an accomplished conversationalist, you should practice telling jokes. "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune", which was Shakespeare's way of saying "timing is everything in show business." You can practice jokes on anyone, but what you're doing is honing your timing.

Stories don't have to be about yourself. Indeed, the best stories rarely are. Telling tales on other people not in attendance offers the priceless opportunity to lie with great charm and affection. You also avoid the risk of revealing something about yourself that may not be as endearing as you thought. You can nevertheless convey your values, interests, and ideas while relating amusing anecdotes about your friends, family, and co-workers, while cultivating an impression of a quick witted bon vivant.

And it's economical; a good story should last no more than a few minutes. But it gives her a chance to regroup, get to know you better, perhaps even fall in love, before you lob the ball back over the net to her. The beauty of it is that you can have a decent inventory of amusing stories for all occasions, and still make it seem as if you only just thought of it, perhaps inspired by her incomparable beauty...

You don't have to "think of what to say"; you simply pull it out of the card file (and you've got time to select the ideal riff while she's going on about her sister's eczema) and leisurely unravel it as she sips her drink. Then it's all "back to you, Trixie" while you continue to impress her with your depth and intelligence simply by shutting the hell up and letting her talk.

And if the question was speculative, the answer becomes "I don't know. But that reminds me of a story...."

The third law of conversation; nothing makes you more attractive as a companion than your undivided attention....to someone else! Treat the women you aren't interested in sleeping with as though they were your only interest in the world, and others will take notice. Women don't want what you are offering; they want what other women have. Your rapt fascination with the lecture from the dowager, the empty drivel from the ingenue, the preschool and potty talk from the soccer mom, serves as catnip to the smart, funny, successful total babe who can't figure out why she hasn't ever met this fascinating man before. Unless she's on a leash, she'll find a way to be introduced. No pursuit on your part required.

All women want attention; it is like cocaine. A little makes her feel like a new woman, and the only thing the new woman needs is....some more attention. Use with care. A little dab'll do ya...